I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i need some magic done to my vagina
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
