Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
