i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The adults are the big ones right?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
