i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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