a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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