I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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