Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize