hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
