You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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