glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
