I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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