i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
