Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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