I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
