Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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