if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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