I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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