you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
