My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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