So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
