when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
birth control should be required to get into college
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Boobs are out for the taking
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How does one acquire holy water?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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