i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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