So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
