Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
