Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
