Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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