I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
