I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
