When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
