i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
