are you so shy because you have an std?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
