you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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