my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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