So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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