He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
