I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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