Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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