But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You dont lie about slip and slides
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize