seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
