also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
