I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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