Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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