when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
