mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
