Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
