dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
