Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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