so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
