I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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