i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
