tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
