Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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