I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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