It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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