My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
