You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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