How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize