I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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