We got so high we made milksteak
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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